At least I have my car
by Mistress Anko
Summary: Kathy McDougall is your avg American. She loves pizza and cheeseburgers, her laptop and PSP. Does she love Naruto? It's alright. Does she like camping, discomfort, learning languages, and people trying to kill her? Not so much. Crack fic.
1. Chapter 1

At least I have my car.

Crack Fic Alert.

Sum: Kathy McDougall is your avg American. She loves pizza and cheeseburgers, her laptop and PSP. Does she love Naruto? It's alright. Does she like camping, discomfort, learning languages, and people trying to kill her? Not so much.

Eye twitch...eye twitch.

I stared at my steering wheel. Out of everything around me my steering wheel was a thing of familiarity and comfort.

Eye twitch...eye twitch.

Maybe I had eaten some really bad Chinese food, as in maybe they cooked the stuff on the sidewalk and left it there a few days bad Chinese food.

"I am in traffic." I told myself out loud because really as if talking to myself is the most troubling of my problems right now?

"I am going to be late for work." That's were I was going, work.

"I need to stop hallucinating a forest before the said traffic I am in crashes into me." I have yet to be in a car accident and I really don't want to start now.

Seeing as everything outside my car is fake I take a moment to inspect the inside of my car and make sure there aren't any green aliens sitting next to me or something.

Nope, just some fast food trash, my laptop, jacket, a notebook, and my stash of toothpicks. Yes I have a stash of tooth picks what of it?

Now may be a good time to call my mother and tell her I need a hospital for I must be mentally ill. But first I should move my car to the side of the...road...which is not a dirt road in a forest, but one with pavement and I'm sure I am stopping all traffic and lots of people hate me right now.

I carefully and very slowly drive my car to the side and put on my emergency lights. It's so strange that I can't hear anything. I mean even if I can't see what I should; shouldn't I still hear the people yelling at me to get out of the road?

Deciding I managed to move without killing anyone that was now invisible to my eyes I took out my cell phone from my pocket. God I hate my phone, it's so old.

What do you mean no signal? I blink. I'm sure I'm imagining the lack of single as well. I try calling my mom and low and behold I find I have no fucking signal.

This greatly displeases me. What is the point of having a phone if you can't use it for emergencies!

Alright maybe and this is a big maybe seeing as there is no phone signal I can't believe there is a wireless network, but I may as well try my computer.

And nothing...wait there should be something I mean even if there's a bunch of networks with security there should be something! I was driving pretty close to town after all. Nada. Can not find any networks.

Well shit!

Now what?

Ok, let us think back. I was driving and then...that didn't happened, but I apparently had another hallucination of failing into a black hole...it wasn't really black more bluish...yeah I would like that straight jacket in a large please.

Hmm...hey! What happened to my radio? It was on. What. The. Hell. I'm not even getting static!

Ok. I have apparently fallen into hell where technology is absent. What am I suppose to do live in the damn forest?

I turn off my car. No reason to waste the battery.

"So..." I drum my fingers on the steering wheel as I wait for something to happen.

Maybe I got in a wreck and I'm dreaming?

"That works. Let's explore this...place shall we?"

I put my jacket over my laptop incase 'something' decides to take it, grab my keys, get out of the car and lock my door.

The place is very green and my red car sticks out like Christmas in July.

I walk around my car and make sure nothing has happened to it. It looks fine. That's good, one less problem.

Then I walk about 20 ft in each direction from the car, making a little perimeter thing, hoping I wouldn't have to walk my much farther to find something or someone. It isn't long before I get a rock in my shoe, I'm just not made for hiking.

With this in mind I return to the car, get the rock out of my shoe and decide to drive down the dirt road until I find something. If I'm really in the normal road I'll find out pretty fast by being hit.

So driving, driving, oh look there's a tree and another tree...oh my god is that a tree! It is! Ok this is getting boring fast.

I glare at my dead radio, wait, wait! I have CDs somewhere! First what's in the CD player?

'It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday-'

Hmm the piano man is such a pretty song, but I think I need something a little more...

There we go...

'NEVER WANTED TO DANCE WITH NOBODY BUT YOU!'

Oh MSI only you can make this hell on earth bearable.

So as I drove and head banged to dirty loud music I noticed the road I was on was small, like it was made for people walking on it. How weird.

Thank goodness I took my car today and not my mom's Buick, that big thing could never get through here.

It was a few hours later and I had just begun to realize with horror that in another few hours I was going to need a bathroom and there was none in sight, when I saw a blob up ahead.

How curious...I slowed the car a bit, I didn't want to run over the mysterious object it is the only thing other then trees I have seen all day.

I stopped my car in front of the object. Is that...a sword? A big ass sword?

I casually got out of my car to inspect said big ass sword lying in the middle of the road.

I looked around and found nobody.

"This day just gets weirder and weirder." Still it was a cool sword.

"Hey if whoever owns this sword doesn't come and claim it I shall hereby decide it is mine!"

It's a really cool sword. I know I've seen something like it before, but where? Maybe a… Bleach cosplay? I don't think so I'm not that into Bleach so I doubt I would have remembered it.

'Grraah...'

The hell? Was that a groan or a growl? I didn't run over anyone right?

"Right." I said as I check under my car...whoa, whoa, whoa is that blood on the ground?

Oh hell no! No, no, no, no, NO!

I do not see the blood leading to a tree. I do not see part of a figure leaning against that tree, the other part of said figure looking half dead lying on the ground. I don't see it, it's just not possible.

Oh! Damn it all! How weird can this day get!

I go to check on the groaning half dead person.

"Huh. Must be near an anime con." For the person on the ground was…Zu, Zu, Zu- what was his name again? Zumbiha! No. Zabu like that white rat thing my sister watches on TV! No… Ok I really don't care because first of all I'm pretty sure I found the owner of the sword and 2nd of all he's bleeding and I have no idea where the hospital is!

"Er…Ok. Hi. Just be calm. I'm going to help alright? I um…will get you something to stop all that blood!"

The dude is sort of awake. I mean he seems pretty out of it. I think some of that growling might have been him trying to talk, but I can't understand anything. Oh god maybe he has a neck wound?

So I run back to my car, unlock the thing and grab the first bit of fabric I can find. Oh not my jacket! It's lovely, new, and …well new. I just got a job ok? New things are kind of rare for me at the moment. Oh find he did look like he was dieing or something so I guess that matters more.

With a small amount of irritation I try to hide with concern I rush back to the dude in costume and proceed to turn my _new_ jacket into a tourniquet. Ok well actually I starting trying to wrap it around him and he took it and made a tourniquet because I didn't have a clue about what I was doing.

"Hah, ahh..sorry I'm not too good with that, but it should stop the bleeding." I say as I watch him take care of himself, ruin my jacket and glare at me.

"So you know where the hospital is? I can drive I just don't know where the hospital is."

"…"

"Ok dude. You're bleeding! Will you stop the freaking glaring and tell me how to get to civilization so we can get you some help!" By the end of that I was glaring because how rude was it to ignore someone trying to help you? And do you know how much it would ruin my day if I had a stranger die on me after all the crap I've already gone through?

He seemed to get some of the message because he spoke.

")# !*(^^ " Not that, specking helped at all.

"Oh, shit. English? Look…Mister... you have to speck English we're in America! Aren't we?"

I really, really, really hope we were still in America. I was sounding a bit hysterical on that last bit.

It seemed we shared a look where we realized that we couldn't understand a word the other was saying, but that was where our mutual understanding ending because he started trying to _get up_.And _hello_ the guy had a large _stomach_ wound.

He stands up barely, blood goes everywhere so I jump up so I don't get it on me, then he's falling over because the stupid idiot is _hurt_!

There's a second where I know I have to catch the guy and he is really freaking tall and heavily looking so he's probably going to knock me over and I will be so covered in blood, but I have to try and stop him failing anyways because I can't just let him fall or I would be an awful person.

I'm lucky that I'm a little fat. I mean the super skinny girls would have so been crushed to death. As it is I'm far into the pleasantly plump stage and am used to being weighted down with groceries and my grandfather's 50 pd pidgin feed so there's even a bit of muscle under the fat.

I manage to support this guy just barely most likely because he is also holding onto the tree. Still I feel like my back is going to break, because I have to hold him up with like my torso because he's so damn tall and where can my arms go that's not covered in blood?

Then Mister tall, dark, and heavy passes out and therefore let's go of the tree.

My knees shake, my back bends, and my arms are clutching the bloody mass as tightly as I can because if I drop him now I'll never get him back up and if we can just get to the car!

About 2 feet later we fall over. You know if I wasn't lost, thought I was mentally ill, wasn't having blood soaking though my shirt and had any idea what this guy's face looked like ( it was covered in bandage things), then…then I still wouldn't have this giant guy on top of me in the first place so I'm not sure what I was going to say exactly.

I wriggle out from under him and I suppose I was going to say the situation would have seemed somewhat sexual if not for everything else I had mentioned. Oh, and he was dieing. That kind of puts a damper on romance.

And I thought as I did the brilliant thing of driving my car closer to him, we don't even speck the same language.

It would so never work out, I decide as I began trying to heave him into my car. Even if the rescuing thing is totally romantic and more original because the girl isn't the one being rescued, this amount of ruined clothing and oh my god its going to be all over my car…(Shudder with horror) it's so not worth it.

I find myself putting the front passenger sit down and pulling him into that instead of trying to clear out the backset of my car. Who knows what could be in there at this point?

By the time the dead weight is situated I find myself lying on the ground barely able to move. Oh, hell…I am so tried. So not used to this kind of exorcise. The sweat runs down my face and I can smell the blood once again all over me.

I make myself get up, shut the door and get in on my side. I have to make it to a hospital. This guy needs help. I have to get him there.

Then I turn on my car and give the guy a heart attack. I startled myself a little bit too.

'NEVER WANTED TO DANCE WITH NOBODY BUT YOU!'

So I forgot about my CD and yes I had the speakers pumping I still don't think it warranted that reaction.

The guy woke up and jumped like almost out of my car and just started freaking out. I mean really at first I thought this guy was having a fit or something. I quickly turned the CD player off and just started at him. He was being really weird like he didn't know what a car was or something; guy was acting like a trapped animal. What was he catastrophic?

I started to reach out to him, see if I could calm him down, but then he broke my window with his arm and I decided to stay on my side of the car. Not that I didn't comment.

"DUDE! My Car! You broke my car! DUDE!"

So the nut job I worked so hard to get into my car, that now has one arm hanging out of the broken car window, turns to me and he looks like he's about to kill me or something, really scary eyes there, but then we are slightly distracted by the fact that aliens are attacking…with…water…yeah.


	2. Aliens and Ninja

Hey people! My friend made this awesome video about dyeing her hair with weird stuff like french dressing and cheese in a can.

Super funny so please go to my profile and follow the links. They have it so they're making money from it so its really does matter when people go to watch it!

Aliens and Ninja

So sitting in my car, next to me is a manic that is strong enough to break my car window with his firkin elbow, and then there is water. Like going under the car washer only the water is only spraying on my front window and its using such force that the car is rolling backwards.

So for another second mystery guy and I have a moment of understanding at least I think we do and that is that until we understand this bizarre phenomenon everything else is on hold.

Then I put the car in park and it stops rolling. We're just sitting there with water being sprayed at my windshield.

"OI!" I scream while honking my horn. I should like to point out that freak out man has once again jumped a few feet in the air. This can so not be a healthily thing for the guy bleeding to be doing. The horn did seem to make the water stop.

I turn on my windshield swappers and I see that a little ways away from my car is an alien. Look the guy has green hair ok? Oh and he now has my 'friends' sword.

I notice that both the alien and my passenger are watching the windshield swappers intensely.

"Err…" My damsel in distress ignores me in favor of trying to hypnosis himself with the windshield swappers.

"Ok… I can make them go faster…and slower…" I demonstrate and they watch them even closer. I consider pressing the windshield cleaner button but I'm not sure if they can handle that much excitement.

Then the guy holding other guy's sword screams and runs toward us with the big ass sword.

I frown and try to figure out what that idiot thinks he's doing.

"Am I on a movie set?" I ask the world at large.

Then the guy leaps at us and I turn the car to reverse while pressing the gas.

He lands on the hold of the car, but wasn't really expecting it to move so as I hit reverse he falls head first into my windshield, not breaking the glass thank goodness, but the sword he was holding is a big, heavy, ass sword and not only dents part of the hood, but cracks some of the glass on the passengers side of the window.

This displeases me greatly.

"Why does everyone keep hurting my poor car!" I scream in rage as I change the gears to drive and push the metal down hard.

Alien dude gets thrown, kind of rolled over my car. Like over the hood and off of it.

I look behind me, see that the guy has landed on his feet somehow and decried that 1 I'm dreaming and 2 that fucker tried to kill me so game on.

I reverse again and gas it. He almost doges me, but little does Alien boy know that I have mastered both the 3 point turn and the parallel park so I can and did turn while I was backing up and ran right over him.

As I felt a very disturbing thud and realize that I just killed someone. (Not that it really counts because I'm dreaming!) I slowly bring my car to a stop after I've passed the point where his body should be and I guilty look at what should be a dead body and I see the green haired man is getting up.

I frown and my hand itches towards the gears. No I must not squish weird man like cockroach. Then the man shots water at us again, only it's not all that funny now because the sword had been rather precariously wedged between the metal and the glass on my car so when the water hits the sword goes straight though and we all get wet.

Luckily passenger guy grabs his sword before it slices us in half somehow and I who understand only that my glass is broken, I am wet, and I can feel both my gas petal and the gear shift, use this knowledge to drive straight thought the water and run over the guy again.

The water stops. I realize I am covered in blood, water, and glass, my passenger friend is holding his sword looking very impressive and macho without his seatbelt on, and that the now bloody form lying in my review mirror is still twitching.

Reverse, drive, reverse, drive, reverse, drive.

I very calmly take my hands off the steering wheel and put them in my lap I then turn to my companion and ask with a smile.

"Do you think we got him?"

He stares at me for several mins in fact we both stare at each other and I don't have a clue what he's thinking, and then- then two more aliens appear.

Blue hair and gravity defying hair, what's up with the hair? Hey are those headbands those guys are wearing?

Then the guy I only now begin to suspect isn't a cosplayer swings his big sword with great speed though my missing windshield and kills them both. Well that was anticlimactic after all the trouble with the other one.

"So they were ninja and not aliens?" I ask the now sword less cold bloodied missing-nin of the mist course he doesn't answer me.

"Huh. Defiantly a dream. Those ninja were like really weak though. I mean I beat one of them with a car and you killed two with speed and a sharp pointy thing."

He stares at me.

"Lame." I concur. "Very, very lame."

I drive us closer to the dead ninja.

"Well you threw it, go fetch!" I motion to the big ass sword. He says…nothing, but leans back slightly and seems to be trying to look completely unconcerned.

"Alright if you don't want it we'll leave it." So I slowly began to turn the car around and he makes a break for it. For some reason he acts like he's making a break for it. He does know that he wasn't trapped in my car as my prisoner right?

So he jumps out of my car though the broken window does a neat roll of the ground which is impressive considering he needs to be in a hospital, then he runs and grabs his sword and he stares at me some more.

"I'm not going to try and kill you with my car…Promise!"

He seems undecided about what to do at the moment and while I really should leave him here seeing as dream ninja should be able to hand blood gushing stomach wounds just fine, I would really rather not be alone and he like owes me for…my jacket. I didn't really save his life or anything, but that jacket I am owed.

Deciding looking non hostile is best I slowly get out of my car the normal way. Then I start wailing because my _car_.

"MY CAR!" "Look what happened to her! Look at it!"

I begin to circle my car counting up the amount of damage in my head and then wailing even louder.

My once passenger ninja begins to look less like he was thinking of us fighting to the death and more like he was extremely uncomfortable because he had no idea what to do with an upset young woman.

After I had wailed a decent amount I approached the back of my car and popped the trunk. By the time I had found what I was looking for my looking worse for wear ninja had come up behind me to stare at the oddity of a trunk. He must think it looks like its eating me when I put my head down in it.

Of course I found a trash bag full of old clothes I was taking to Goodwill. Why? Why was it my beautiful new jacket that had to die!

Finally armed with my ice scrapper and with a curious, but very pale looking ninja at my side or rather my back as he so didn't trust me, I went to the front of the car where I had left my door open and began to try and shovel, scrap, and push the shards of glass out of my car. It was a miracle I wasn't- ah I was cut a few times. They were just so damn sharp I couldn't even feel it.

Oh this will be, not! Now where's my tweezers? I'm sure I have some of this in my skin.

Oh yeah it's in the… emergency kit… What good is an emergency kit if you run into someone dieing and you don't remember you have it?

"Back to the Truck!" I scream just to see the ninja jump. It's really quick funny to startle these people.

Ah there's my emergency kit. It might seem cruel of me to start putting bandages on my little cuts when the ninja guy could use more then a few of them so I sit in the dirt because my clothes are already ruined and I wave him over while I start opening my kit. Of course he doesn't come over so I start to throw some bandages at him when I realize he has passed out again. Really?

I don't usually do this, but considering everything that's happened to me lately I look up and in a moment of peaceful contemplation about everything that's happened to far I ask.

"Really?" Much like from the passed out imaginary ninja there is no answer.


	3. Of Food and Paper or the lack there of

Short chapter here. Most interesting things next chapter.

Ok, let's summarize here. I am insane or I am dreaming it's hard to tell which one it is, but either way I feel justified that killing that ninja guy was not my fault or didn't even happen or if it did happen it was self defense so there.

Now in my dream/hallucination we have a situation. No it's not my poor wounded skin that I had to pick way too many glass shards out of or even the poor wounded ninja that I had to attack with bandages until I made the bleeding stop, no the biggest most horrible problem is two things really.

First of all I have to pee. This is extremely horrifying for not only is there not a restroom in sight, but I have no toilet paper.

Second I'm getting hungry and while I may be able to find some very old fries or something in my car there is only so long I can live off of what I can find in my car.

Oh it's also getting kind of dark which is strange because I left for work early and I know it should be about lunch time not dinner. Oh well at least I have my car for shelter and to protect me from attacking ninja.

Now as I began to stash my emergency kit back into the car I contemplate exactly what I can use for toilet paper and how hard it's going to be to haul the now mostly properly bandaged ninja into my car again.

We will have to drive off kind of soon if we want to be away from the dead bodies before dark. I'd rather not have to smell them.

Hey wait do you think any of them might have brought some toilet paper?

I turn a speculative eye to the dead bodies.

Ok it will be gross, but I'm gross right now.

I can't get any dirtier unless I pee on myself which I'm going to do unless I get some toilet paper. At the very least they should have some food because we are in a forest. I really don't see why they wouldn't have toilet paper, but it might be in a scroll thing that I can't open and that would suck.

Well you know I might be able to use a scroll to wipe, it is paper right?

Ok. I can do this. I just walk over to the dead people and go through there pockets. Easy, no problem, I'm dreaming anyway so it's not like its really that creepy or anything.

Ok I'm doing this, I'm-Oh God!

Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up!

Oh my god that guy I kept running over is road kill. I mean smashed, squashed, and squished! I'm not looking in that. Just no…

Ok, alright, I'm just…going to hold onto my breakfast and make my over to where the people are that the Zabu guy killed.

He hit them at like the head or neck or wherever so if I just look at there feet, legs and the bottom part of the torso I should be fine. Nothing gross there, just a small bit of blood maybe, but the pouch things that ninja carry are at there hips right?

Right. I'll take the holster things, and there sandal things because my shoes are not made for hiking.

No problem. Oh God it twitched! It twitched! I saw a foot twitch! Ewww! Oh my god. Eww! The smell! Argh!

45 mins later

Well that's done, finally.

No problems as I said. Feel very proud of myself really, didn't even up chuck. Now I have to pee bad! So bad! Please have toilet paper in these pouch thing!

Knife, big ass needles, knife, wire, knife, sharp star…wait, wait it's called a shurikin! I remembered that! Okay continuing. Knife, knife, knife…those have special names too don't they? I wish I had bothered to like memorize this stuff when I was in the Naruto phase. I'm sure it will come to me at some point.

Aha! I found paper! Well a book, but same thing.

I then dropped everything except for the book and proceeded to find a nice tree to get acquainted with.

I'm not going to go into details, but I am going to state that I have never had penis envy until I realized how helpful standing up while I do my business would be.

I shall also state that I HATE camping. Despise it. I can't stand sleeping out in my backyard. There are bugs, dirt, and lack of technology not to mention no freaking toilet paper!

That's not even taking into account ninja's trying to kill me and my car.

After spending way to much effort to use the bathroom I get back to my little 'camp' and realize I still have to haul that man's big ass into my car and he'll most likely freak out again and hurt my car again…oh joy…

I think that I should be paid for this. This Z guy owes me so much.

Oh and I think the book I used was like an information guide because I think I saw Z's picture in there. Oh well its not like I could read anything with it being in a another freaking language anyway and I am so not learning this weird writing or the spoken words either! I'm just not and no one can make me!

So there…now I still have to get the dude in the car. My life sucks.


End file.
